I was diagnosed when I was 19 after a unsuccessful suicide attempt with major depressive disorder and later I was diagnosed with PTSD.
Somedays I feel like I am recovered from my addiction but I never feel like I am even close to recovered from my mental illness. When I am having severe anxiety, depression I do feel like self medicating to get out of my head. I know where that leads though... Feeling way worse and then havibg shame or guilt from relapse.
Today my craving is to drink caffeine. I know I know it's ok. For me it's not because it increases my anxiety and I also can not sleep so I spiral further down.
If I do a chain analysis of what's leading up to these feeling I know what's causing it. Fear and stress.
There is not a lot I can do about the fear other than what I am doing. Read, pray, serve, and reach out.
The other things is patience, faith, and remember every time I have gotten through these periods with time and hard work.
Still learning how to lay my fears and burdens at the feet of Jesus.
Today I really want to take my will back and I don't. Ambivalence!
Right now I can't even say it...
