Spinning wheels

Do you ever feel like your wheels are spinning? That life is mundane? Need a little adventure and excitement without it being solely focused on self seeking? 

Well that's how I am feeling. Unsettled and bored. I am now moving onto my next adventure in life... Well at least in the preparation phase. I can't wait for the action phase!!!!!

Co occurring

Recovery is such an amazing and beautiful thing! I am not only recovering from an addiction but I am also recovering from a co occurring psychiatric diagnosis. 

I was diagnosed when I was 19 after a unsuccessful suicide attempt with major depressive disorder and later I was diagnosed with PTSD. 

Somedays I feel like I am recovered from my addiction but I never feel like I am even close to recovered from my mental illness. When I am having severe anxiety, depression I do feel like self medicating to get out of my head. I know where that leads though... Feeling way worse and then havibg shame or guilt from relapse.

Today my craving is to drink caffeine. I know I know it's ok. For me it's not because it increases my anxiety and I also can not sleep so I spiral further down.

If I do a chain analysis of what's leading up to these feeling I know what's causing it. Fear and stress. 

There is not a lot I can do about the fear other than what I am doing. Read, pray, serve, and reach out.

The other things is patience, faith, and remember every time I have gotten through these periods with time and hard work. 

Still learning how to lay my fears and burdens at the feet of Jesus. 

Today I really want to take my will back and I don't. Ambivalence!

Right now I can't even say it...

Cloudy days

Cloudy days happen too. Just be mindful that the sun ALWAYS comes out eventually. Be patient and have faith.

Hands

Today I was with the most oppressed and marginalized people on the face of the earth.

Sunken eyes, weathered skin, feet so calloused from many days without socks and even days without shoes.

Nights without sleep because the shelter was full. Days of guarding their belongings and having to hustle to find food to eat.

Wanderers of the earth with only one thing on their mind survival.

People think oh if they could just stop using everything would be ok.

People say if they would have only chosen better at the beginning they would not be in such a horrible place.

Today I went round and round with a person trying to help him find one glimmer of hope to try once more.

Today I talked with a man who was lit on fire as he slept on a bus bench and now he is missing a limb.

Today I worked with a person who is at the bottom trying to break free of her addiction while also fighting the demons in her head.

These are the stories of the chronically homeless.

One person said I wonder if I should continue to try or if I should give up and just go to jail.

How does one help someone help someone in such dire and hopeless circumstances.

The first act is simple. It is an act of love and acceptance. A smile, a hello, and asking them if they need anything.

The second act again is another act of love. Can I help you wash our clothes?

Have you ever gone camping or to a place where you could not shower for days?

One of the things people desire the most is the comforts of your home: a shower, a warm meal, and a bed.

When people walk through the doors they are also looking for those things first. A warm shower, clean clothes, and a soft place to lay their head.

Then you move on after meeting their basic needs to try to help them see there is still a chance and a possibility to try again.

Remember just stay on the path and try try try again.

If everytime you tried you got kicked why would you try again.

If everytime you stood back up and someone said Come on you can do these and gave you a little push start, one day you just might keep walking.

Love, kindness, and encouragement is what we can all do to help those in need.

11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. 

12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. (New Testament, 1 John, 1 John 4)

 

 

 

Safety net

I have been sober for a few years and I have has the opportunity to experience life being sober. At first I was scared to leave my house because my addiction was everywhere. Then I built a support system of sober friends, I went to meeting, went to college, worked and so on. Life became manageable. 

Then I again found myself at cross roads this time I was looking to fill the hole still left inside of me. I returned to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Again I had to learn how to relive life with a new set of guiding principles that would help me find a new freedom, peace and happiness.

Again though I was like a young child learning what was safe and not safe. 

I have been so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life guiding me, teaching me, correcting me when needed.

This weekend I was able to go on vacation it was amazing. I spent the weekend at the place I focus on when I meditate... My happy place. 

(Picture I took this weekend)

Yet I still had a lot of anxiety because I was outside of my comfort zone. I was experiencing something for the first time that was new.

Even the best of circumstances can be challenging at times. Yet I truly have been able to change my heart and more often than not greet my challenges with determination and also a challenge to learn and grow rather than in the past run and hide.

My character weaknesses are truly beginning to change and be molded into something new. 

I can't wait to see what happens next. 

When I got home from my trip I quickly went back to the place that I find the most peace and refuge. It is the place where I meditate and counsel with my Father in Heaven. I was so excited to be "home".

fear and faith

I have had some time to ponder and reflect on where my life is going. I had a conversation with someone I absolutely love so much and also value her opinion.

When I start feeling anxious and worried I realize that I am focusing too much on the future.

Lately I have been struggling with the reality that I might not have the opportunity to have my own children. I have also been dating a lot and there is nothing happening for me in that department either.

To be honest one of my biggest fears is growing old alone. Then I think of the many women who spent many years alone at the end of their life. Including my grandmother (my grandfather died 11 years before her). 

Fear and faith seem to not be able to be felt at the exact same time. Yet fear can make my faith grow quickly because I have to give my fears away and press forward in faith.

Who knows what the future holds so there's no reason to put too much worrying and energy into it other than planning. 

I might die tomorrow or live till I am 90 but all I really have is today.

I choose to continue to work on living in the now and trust in God!

Beautiful day

Today was one of those days I never want to forget. It was an amazing day. My heart is full of hope and happiness.

It feels like the sun rays would shine out of every pore if I was any happier. The song birds would sing in unison my favorite songs if I were any happier.  

When I say hope I mean hope beyond: tomorrow I hope work goes well...

I hope that so so calls me...

I even hope soon I will fall in love.

This is hope or a BELIEF that all of it will happen. Every fiber of my being knows/believes that it is all true. 

What is true?

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Heavenly Father sent his Son to come down to atone for our sins.

I always thought the atonement was for future happiness but no it applies to NOW. Happiness right now in this moment.

I testify with all my heart and soul that I know God the Eternal Father lives and that Jesus Christ made it possible to be happy here on earth. happy among the trials, happy despite all the suffering in the world, happy even though bad things happen to good people and good things happen to not so good people.

Today I was at the most beautiful place and a majority of the time I was just smiling. Everyone around me was smiling too. I thought if this is what heaven is like this is perfect.

Today I also got to spend time with dear friends. Someone that I really look up too. Her life has been a challenge but she continues to fight and battle. She is such a courageous woman. She struggles with  some stuff but the changes she has made since I met her one year ago are astonishing. As we talked I told her how happy Heavenly Father is... I know he is because I could feel it in my heart. I told her no matter what even if you stumble... Don't turn away. 

Then me and my other really good friend and her son went and did some service tonight. It is such a blessing to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I am truly so blessed. 

I do wish this feeling could stay with me for days and days. I know one day though it will feel like this everyday. In the life to come.

It is so worth it. Turn to Heavenly Father. Let go of the things that hold you down. Repent, be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost and endure on. Endure with joy and gladness. 

The promises are true.

I know despite how I feel right now the dark clouds and days will return. There is opposition in all things. On the darkest of days... I write to remember the most amazing and beautiful feelings that I felt.

~blessed child