Spinning wheels

Do you ever feel like your wheels are spinning? That life is mundane? Need a little adventure and excitement without it being solely focused on self seeking? 

Well that's how I am feeling. Unsettled and bored. I am now moving onto my next adventure in life... Well at least in the preparation phase. I can't wait for the action phase!!!!!

Co occurring

Recovery is such an amazing and beautiful thing! I am not only recovering from an addiction but I am also recovering from a co occurring psychiatric diagnosis. 

I was diagnosed when I was 19 after a unsuccessful suicide attempt with major depressive disorder and later I was diagnosed with PTSD. 

Somedays I feel like I am recovered from my addiction but I never feel like I am even close to recovered from my mental illness. When I am having severe anxiety, depression I do feel like self medicating to get out of my head. I know where that leads though... Feeling way worse and then havibg shame or guilt from relapse.

Today my craving is to drink caffeine. I know I know it's ok. For me it's not because it increases my anxiety and I also can not sleep so I spiral further down.

If I do a chain analysis of what's leading up to these feeling I know what's causing it. Fear and stress. 

There is not a lot I can do about the fear other than what I am doing. Read, pray, serve, and reach out.

The other things is patience, faith, and remember every time I have gotten through these periods with time and hard work. 

Still learning how to lay my fears and burdens at the feet of Jesus. 

Today I really want to take my will back and I don't. Ambivalence!

Right now I can't even say it...

Cloudy days

Cloudy days happen too. Just be mindful that the sun ALWAYS comes out eventually. Be patient and have faith.

Hands

Today I was with the most oppressed and marginalized people on the face of the earth.

Sunken eyes, weathered skin, feet so calloused from many days without socks and even days without shoes.

Nights without sleep because the shelter was full. Days of guarding their belongings and having to hustle to find food to eat.

Wanderers of the earth with only one thing on their mind survival.

People think oh if they could just stop using everything would be ok.

People say if they would have only chosen better at the beginning they would not be in such a horrible place.

Today I went round and round with a person trying to help him find one glimmer of hope to try once more.

Today I talked with a man who was lit on fire as he slept on a bus bench and now he is missing a limb.

Today I worked with a person who is at the bottom trying to break free of her addiction while also fighting the demons in her head.

These are the stories of the chronically homeless.

One person said I wonder if I should continue to try or if I should give up and just go to jail.

How does one help someone help someone in such dire and hopeless circumstances.

The first act is simple. It is an act of love and acceptance. A smile, a hello, and asking them if they need anything.

The second act again is another act of love. Can I help you wash our clothes?

Have you ever gone camping or to a place where you could not shower for days?

One of the things people desire the most is the comforts of your home: a shower, a warm meal, and a bed.

When people walk through the doors they are also looking for those things first. A warm shower, clean clothes, and a soft place to lay their head.

Then you move on after meeting their basic needs to try to help them see there is still a chance and a possibility to try again.

Remember just stay on the path and try try try again.

If everytime you tried you got kicked why would you try again.

If everytime you stood back up and someone said Come on you can do these and gave you a little push start, one day you just might keep walking.

Love, kindness, and encouragement is what we can all do to help those in need.

11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we ought also to love one another. 

12 No man hath seen God at any time. If we love one another, God dwelleth in us, and his love is perfected in us. (New Testament, 1 John, 1 John 4)

 

 

 

Safety net

I have been sober for a few years and I have has the opportunity to experience life being sober. At first I was scared to leave my house because my addiction was everywhere. Then I built a support system of sober friends, I went to meeting, went to college, worked and so on. Life became manageable. 

Then I again found myself at cross roads this time I was looking to fill the hole still left inside of me. I returned to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Again I had to learn how to relive life with a new set of guiding principles that would help me find a new freedom, peace and happiness.

Again though I was like a young child learning what was safe and not safe. 

I have been so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life guiding me, teaching me, correcting me when needed.

This weekend I was able to go on vacation it was amazing. I spent the weekend at the place I focus on when I meditate... My happy place. 

(Picture I took this weekend)

Yet I still had a lot of anxiety because I was outside of my comfort zone. I was experiencing something for the first time that was new.

Even the best of circumstances can be challenging at times. Yet I truly have been able to change my heart and more often than not greet my challenges with determination and also a challenge to learn and grow rather than in the past run and hide.

My character weaknesses are truly beginning to change and be molded into something new. 

I can't wait to see what happens next. 

When I got home from my trip I quickly went back to the place that I find the most peace and refuge. It is the place where I meditate and counsel with my Father in Heaven. I was so excited to be "home".

fear and faith

I have had some time to ponder and reflect on where my life is going. I had a conversation with someone I absolutely love so much and also value her opinion.

When I start feeling anxious and worried I realize that I am focusing too much on the future.

Lately I have been struggling with the reality that I might not have the opportunity to have my own children. I have also been dating a lot and there is nothing happening for me in that department either.

To be honest one of my biggest fears is growing old alone. Then I think of the many women who spent many years alone at the end of their life. Including my grandmother (my grandfather died 11 years before her). 

Fear and faith seem to not be able to be felt at the exact same time. Yet fear can make my faith grow quickly because I have to give my fears away and press forward in faith.

Who knows what the future holds so there's no reason to put too much worrying and energy into it other than planning. 

I might die tomorrow or live till I am 90 but all I really have is today.

I choose to continue to work on living in the now and trust in God!

Beautiful day

Today was one of those days I never want to forget. It was an amazing day. My heart is full of hope and happiness.

It feels like the sun rays would shine out of every pore if I was any happier. The song birds would sing in unison my favorite songs if I were any happier.  

When I say hope I mean hope beyond: tomorrow I hope work goes well...

I hope that so so calls me...

I even hope soon I will fall in love.

This is hope or a BELIEF that all of it will happen. Every fiber of my being knows/believes that it is all true. 

What is true?

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Heavenly Father sent his Son to come down to atone for our sins.

I always thought the atonement was for future happiness but no it applies to NOW. Happiness right now in this moment.

I testify with all my heart and soul that I know God the Eternal Father lives and that Jesus Christ made it possible to be happy here on earth. happy among the trials, happy despite all the suffering in the world, happy even though bad things happen to good people and good things happen to not so good people.

Today I was at the most beautiful place and a majority of the time I was just smiling. Everyone around me was smiling too. I thought if this is what heaven is like this is perfect.

Today I also got to spend time with dear friends. Someone that I really look up too. Her life has been a challenge but she continues to fight and battle. She is such a courageous woman. She struggles with  some stuff but the changes she has made since I met her one year ago are astonishing. As we talked I told her how happy Heavenly Father is... I know he is because I could feel it in my heart. I told her no matter what even if you stumble... Don't turn away. 

Then me and my other really good friend and her son went and did some service tonight. It is such a blessing to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I am truly so blessed. 

I do wish this feeling could stay with me for days and days. I know one day though it will feel like this everyday. In the life to come.

It is so worth it. Turn to Heavenly Father. Let go of the things that hold you down. Repent, be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost and endure on. Endure with joy and gladness. 

The promises are true.

I know despite how I feel right now the dark clouds and days will return. There is opposition in all things. On the darkest of days... I write to remember the most amazing and beautiful feelings that I felt.

~blessed child

Peace and Love

The greatest feelings that I have discovered in the past few years is peace and love.

Through working hard and trying to clean up my side of the street I have found that I can be more at peace with myself and the world around me. I had been working the 12 step program for years but I had not found the peace that fills my heart and soul today. I was missing something.

That something was the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the Plan of Redemption (happiness). Through the ultimate sacrifice of my Savior Jesus Christ I could have peace and joy. It though requires a lot of change. Change I at times thought was beyond my reach or abilities.

Some of the things that if I did daily would help me along the path to true peace and joy those being prayer, reading the scriptures, service, and daily meditation.

The Book of Mormon is another testament of Jesus Christ. 

It puts forth the doctrines of the gospel, outlines the plan of salvation, and tells men (and women) what they must do to gain peace in this life and eternal salvation in the life to come. (Book of Mormon, Introduction)

To know that I am aligning my life to be working towards what I desire the most peace on earth and salvation and exaltation in the life to come.

Last night at my meeting we discussed Step 7 Humility and I was reminded that often the further we walk off the path the more painful the journey can be to return. (A lot more garbage in the street).

"Even as you feel the pains of your own rebirth, remember that His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a humble reminder of His “great and last sacrifice” on your behalf (Alma 34:14). (Addiction Recovery Program, Step 7: Humility)"

To feel the pain that I have felt in the years of addiction and then the pain of cleaning up the damage and wreckage of my past I am humbled by how much my Savior and Redeemer did for me. I am grateful and humbled for what he did for all of us. 

The choice is yours, the price has been paid. The ultimate act of unconditional love is done. Choose this day to find joy and feel the love that is there for you. Turn unto him. Return to his love and feel his peace.

Love

The greatest commandment is to love God with all thy heart. 

When I focus on this commandment I think of what would he have me do to show him that I love him with all my heart, soul, and being. It always leads to the second great commandment to love thy neighbors. What a joy it is to love others and hopefully being them a little extra love to their day. 

I try to be mindful and purposeful in all my doings to remember my Heavenly Father and my Savior and if I do so it makes life so much more enjoyable.

Sure my old thinking pops up and I still make poor choices but all in all my life keeps getting better one day at a time by loving God and my neighbors.

~blessed child

Gratitude

Gratitude Is section a wonderful gift not only for the person receives a thank you or expression of gratitude but also the person who gives it. 

Gratitude is pretty much always free to give but it's priceless to receive and give.

Yesterday a woman in one of my church meetings brought over some flowers and a cute card. In the card she expressed her gratitude for my comments and testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ and my testimony and experience helps her know that the church is true.

Little did she know that I was having a conversation with a friend just a few minutes before about if I talk too much in church and if I needed to be quiet. 

I had also taught Sunday school class to the 14-year-old youth and I was full of doubt if I relayed the message I wanted to give. 

The card and flowers were very important to me Because it demonstrated a few different things: God loves us and knows our needs, that people are wonderful and the world is beautiful, and I need to continue to share my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ as often as I am prompted.

Thank you!

Reborn

I have been reborn! Today I choose to finally accept my value. What a prized possession I am. I am not broken, I am not worn out, I am not all those negative things I told myself for years.

I am a miracle. One of gods greatest miracles.

Today I choose to no longer live in negativity, mediocrity, or in the shame I lived in.

I saw myself as broken...no i am not even close. I am a beautiful daughter of God perfectly created to do exactly what he wants me to do and be. Talented, intelligent, artistic and a lover of all people. He has blessed me with so many gifts. I choose to not waste one more day or one more minute thinking I am less than. Thinking that I need more. 

I embrace who I am. I will love myself as much as I love others and treat myself with the love and care I deserve. I am gods miracle that I must cherish, develop, and allow that miracle to grow and blossom.

I choose to be grateful for every breath I take, for all the gifts of my life.

 I choose to  know how beautiful I am inside and out because God does not make mistakes.

I choose to work hard everyday and not settle for less than in anything. If I make a commitment it will be the best commitment ever. I will go further than the agreement. I will use the power given to me with thought, and be still and consider and counsel on the most valuable gift given to me. The power of choice. We only coast one way. I choose to be successful in all things. I choose to use my power of choice wisely with full knowledge of how my decisions ripple far beyond even what I can see.

Finally I choose to love! Not the worlds definition of love but the love that i feel on my heart that was given as a gift from God. My love is a burning desire to show every person that they too are also a miracle of God. I will no longer wait for a decision from any authority to tell me how to love... Or who to love. I love God, I love Jesus Christ and I love all of Gods children my brothers and sisters, and I LOVE ME!

Yesterday I was on one path and my trajectory changed and I am on a different path... I finally understand what the STRAIGHT and narrow path is. I am on it. My foundation is laid now I will build upon it.

Each day I will choose to win the small battles and know that with God all things are possible. I know that my recipe for success is Read, Pray, and Serve daily.

I choose to choose wisely, love others, go that extra mile and work hard, be grateful, know that God created me perfectly, and LOVE GOD.

My heart burns like it is on fire. 

I am so grateful for what has been given to me. Peace and Joy!

Meditation written 7/12/13

Sitting at my spot on the temple grounds thinking about my experience yesterday. So amazing. I was meditating on my feelings and what I was thinking and experiencing yesterday. I felt Overwhelmed by the spirit and just a strong feeling of gratitude. I was incredibly nervous too. I felt the same way the day I returned to church. Then today I was reading the scriptures and I read this: 

21 And when thy people transgress, any of them, they may speedily repent and return unto thee, and find favor in thy sight, and be restored to the blessings which thou hast ordained to be poured out upon those who shall reverence thee in thy house. 

22 And we ask thee, Holy Father, that thy servants may go forth from this house armed with thy power, and that thy name may be upon them, and thy glory be round about them, and thine angels have charge over them; (D&C 109)

I especially liked this passage because it talked about transgression. It did not mention what transgression or anything other than speedily repent and return unto thee. 

It does not matter how far down or how far away you have walked from God and his teachings. Only that you repent quickly and return to him and the blessings will return.

~blessed child

My temple experience

I can hardly find the words to describe the experience I had tonight at the temple. Today I was nervous and excited and nervous and EXCITED all day. It kinda felt like I was 3 and I was waiting for Christmas morning or about to go play in the championship game.

The path I walked for many years was polar opposite of how I felt tonight. 

Yes I had fun but only moments of fun followed by isolation, regret, and hurt.

Tonight I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and joy.

As I sat in the chapel meditating and thinking about my life and where I have been and the decision to turn away from all of that and to commit to doing and being better. Being the woman I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

I knew that my Heavenly Father and my Savior were looking down on me with big smiles.

I am not going to lie I did have moments of self doubt wondering if I can sustain, and I wondered if this is really me. I have only known this woman for months. The old me the familiar and wild me I know what she is all about.

I am so blessed to know "With God nothing shall be impossible" Luke 1:37

I know that what I felt tonight was just the beginning. 

The other beautiful thing was a lot of my family and friends were there with me. We also got to do my brothers proxy work that passed away. The spirit was so strong I could visualize him in heaven looking down on is having such an amazing moment together for our entire family. 

I have cried off and on throughout the day. Feeling full of love and happiness. 

Wow. It was everything I hoped for and more!

The biggest feeling I have is gratitude for my Savior and Heavenly Father for giving me the ability to come unto him and to be made whole. 

I am a blessed child.

A big day going to the temple

Tomorrow is such a big day for me. Tomorrow I get to enter into the temple for the first time since I was a youth. Tonight I have been reading the New Era, I printed off names to take from family search, and I talked with some of my closest friends and family. 

There is no greater blessing than to do proxy work for my family members that have passed on that are anxiously waiting for their work to be done.

I can't wait to feel the peace and the spirit in the temple. I  also so excited to go with so many loved ones.

The hard work and patience is worth it.

A little voice in my head keeps trying to trick me telling me I am not good enough or worthy enough. Sure I can be and do much better in my life. The important thing that I remind myself is I am worthy and I strive daily to be a better woman.

The key to my success is living my life ONE DAY AT A TIME. Keep it simple. Read, pray, and serve.

I used to be so sad. I couldn't see the colors of the world all i saw was gray. Today I see so much beauty. I see people's smiles. I see the possibilities. I love life!

I can never deny the great plan of redemption because I have been redeemed.

It is taking that first step of faith and ask God what you want to know. Then follow the still small voice. 

I am so grateful. 

I am in tears thinking of what it used to be like and now how wonderful my life is.

I won the lottery of life. The wonderful thing is everyone is entitled to the winning ticket... The Savior gave his life for us so we can be redeemed.

Limited temple recommend

Wow a day I thought would never come just happened. I went through the interview process for my limited temple recommend. It has been 21 years since I have has a limited temple recommend.  I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love me service that has poured upon me to help me get here. 

Especially grateful for my family, friends and priesthood leaders who kept encouraging me when I felt it was impossible. There have been countless phone calls, text massages, and so forth that have brought me back from the edge back into the fold where the strength is.

Above all else this would not have been possible without the enabling power of the atonement. I owe everything to my Savior  and The Lord for everything they have given me.

I think I will constantly struggle with my own voices in my head that will try to make me feel not good enough. I could answer all the recommend questions honestly and I know I can walk into the house of The Lord WORTHY. 

Truly another miracle through the power of the savior and my Heavenly father.

Blessed beyond belief.

~blessed child

 

Wanting tattoo removal or a new tattoo... What?

I have been going through laser tattoo removal for months. I had to take some time off because off a surgery and an injury. Today I am really wanting to get either a session of laser removal or a tattoo. What does that say? My loved ones and the people I confide in say it is my emotions are not in the normal functioning range so causing some sort of pain shuts down the emotions/pain and puts everything back in a more tolerable place. 

I did not notice that pattern until one day I was craving a treatment for laser removal because of some horrific emotional pain I was going through. I went and got the laser removal and that immediately stopped the emotional pain. For the first time is was blatantly obvious what the treatments did. The physical pain of the tattoo removal overrode the emotional pain. Very intriguing. When I find myself focused on things and becoming imbalanced I can not reach for people, places, or things that take me from what I am working hard to become. 

No longer can I reach for the empty relationship that caused harm but fulfilled my immediate need of someone that would tell me how beautiful and loved I am only to later stab me in the heart.

I can not go to friends that offer me things that take me from what I am trying to become.

I can not reach for substances, games or other things that do not add anything of value.

I ask myself does this take me further away or closer to who I am trying to become?

Tattoo removal... Closer. When it is not used to escape feelings. (Today I called 3 times trying to get an appointment)

new ink... Further. Even though the message would be uplifting. It is only to fulfill this craving to stop the emotional pain. 

Today I will pray, surround myself with good people, and this too shall pass. One day at a time. 

~blessed child

A miracle... On the path

February 26 my life changed. Actually my life has been slowly changing and improving since 2003.
In April of 2003 I hit my knees when I was in a 30 day treatment facility and asked my Heavenly Father to help me get sober and find recovery in my life. I made a promise to him that I would do the things I needed to in order to stay sober and learn to do the right things in my life.
Many years later I am sitting here writing about my life, my spirituality, my love for life, and my relationship with God.
On February 26 I sat down with my significant other and we made a decision to separate and within a week I knew I wanted to end our long relationship. There had been many things that happened over the years to lead to this decision but those things don't really matter now. I knew life had more to offer than how I was feeling. I felt numb, detached, disconnected from the world but this disconnection was not caused from an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship; it is something much bigger and I have a hard time explaining it. I had been searching for the answer with accomplishments, money, things and friends. From the outside I was successful yet on the inside I felt empty. Not depressed though. On February 26 I had this level of clarity like I had never experienced before. It was very intense! It was not like the heavens parted and I knew what I needed to go... I just had this "intuition" and clarity that it does get better than this. I can do it. I will get there, I will figure it out ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I also knew exactly where I need to go. I called my brother and went over and talked with him and his wife about staying with them. My brother has also been such an AMAZING role model. His wife is awesome, and I adore their children. They graciously said I could live with them. So I moved in. Little did I know...
Today is April 25 I wanted to write about my spiritual journal with the many changes that I have made and I will make in my life.
On April 15 I went back to church for the first time in many many years (since I was 19). Before I went to church I said a very simple prayer to my Heavenly Father to ask him to allow me to feel the spirit if I was supposed to be there and HOLY COW.
The entire time I felt the spirit from the moment I sat down in church through all the meetings.
In the first meeting called sacrament meeting it was a testimony meeting where people can get up and share their experiences and also there love for the Savior or whatever they would like to talk about in relation to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I was blessed to hear peoples testimonies of church, the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the recent conference.
One testimony stuck out. He talked about not having a ticket to get into conference (he lost it) and how at the very last second he was able to get in. He said he thinks about making the right choices so he can be with his family forever in heaven. He never wants to be outside wishing he had his ticket to get in.
We went to the next class called "Gospel Essentials" and I got to meet with members of the ward, and also meet the missionaries. We learned about King Benjamin from the Book of Mormon. I felt the spirit strongly in the class. My brother introduced me to the missionaries and they asked me if I would be interested in taking the missionary lessons. I agreed so we scheduled lesson 1 for  the following week.
Then I went to the next meeting called Relief Society it is where the women get together and share, and learn more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and how to be better daughter and women of Christ. Everyone was very kind and welcoming. My sister in law sat by me and introduced me to the women.
Before Sunday I did not own a dress or a skirt, I was so scared of going back to church because of past experiences and my own fears, and I definitely was VERY scared of sitting in a room full of really righteous women. I was nervous to step inside church fearing I might get struck by lightning. :)
After church I went home and took one of those naps you wish could go on for days.
I went back to church to meet with the Bishop. We talked about my first day being back at church after many many years of not attending. We also touched on some of my struggles and choices I had made over the years. I told him that it was my goal to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Bishop was supportive, kind, educated me, and really made me feel like I belonged. I was surprised how well it went and how uplifted I felt and I could not wait to meet again to get more work done.
The following week I travel out of state to present at a conference and the entire trip I had the spirit with me. I was very excited to return home and go back to church. (A feeling I thought I would never feel)
April 22 I went to church again and sacrament meeting was really good, Gospel Essentials was great but Relief Society was AMAZING. One of the women gave a lesson on hope. I was in tears almost the entire time because the lesson was about life, the atonement of Jesus Christ and Heaven. It gave me HOPE about somethings that happened as a direct result of very early childhood trauma and that God knows the difference. These things kept me away from the Gospel pretty much my whole life. Even though I went to church as a child until I was 18, I never listened. I couldn't! I was touched and moved. Her beautiful lesson gave me the assurance I was in the right place and to finally get the healing I desperately desired. I wanted to stand up in the room and thank everyone, praise Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and SING.
Again, I met with Bishop and we talked further about my life. He also provided me with more guidance and taught me more. Since I was making major changes in my life and I was like a new convert to the church I had so much to learn.
I am so uplifted , I am so full of peace about going back to church and I want to do whatever it takes.
Bishop gave me homework to read the Addiction Recovery Manual to complete Step 1.
I also met with the missionaries, my brother, and sister in law. They did an great job especially since one of them had only been out for 6 days, They challenged me to read the Book of Mormon and so far I have read the introduction.
What an amazing experience I have had. It is actually miraculous! I NEVER thought I would be here writing this and feeling as happy as I am feeling now. I can only imagine what it will be like if this is just the beginning.

Thoughts about completing the 12 Addiction Recovery Program Steps

True Happiness

            Service is important to me because as I have healed and learned to be honest with myself and others, learned to trust in God, and was finally completely 100% honest with myself, God and confessed of all my sins and past. I was able, truly able, to have a change of heart where my focus was not on self-seeking and temporal things but rather on an eternal view and on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I had to humble myself and learn about my character weaknesses and the possibility and process of making my weakness into strengths. One of the first steps of being humble was to seek out those people I had harmed in my past and apologize, make my amends, and restitution. Once I had cleaned up my past I started to live my life with daily accountability by maintaining my change of heart through daily self-appraisal and immediate repentance. Also, relying on Heavenly Father to help me with any feeling that took me away from peace.

 I had to learn to counsel with the Lord every day and learned to do the Lords will and all that I do. I had to learn how to be still and receive personal inspiration and revelation from the Holy Ghost. Which I found worked best if I continued to live the commandments, and do the things daily that kept the Spirit near me. Daily scripture study, prayer throughout the day, daily  self- appraisal, turning my will over to God daily, and every night  thanking him for the opportunity to return to the Gospel and being forgiven for the things I have done wrong and my weakness. Also, expressing gratitude for continuing to fortify me and helping me become the woman and daughter of God that he always knew I could be. Through doing all these things I have learned truly how to live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I will never forget how important the atonement of Jesus Christ is for me and all the children of Heavenly Father.

            I know with all my heart after I have learned and gone through so much and worked so hard to come unto Him that the final and ongoing thing I must do is serve others. God has blessed me with an amazing gift of being able to relate and create trust with almost anyone. I love helping and loving people that have a hard time loving themselves, and especially sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I want to shout from the rooftops come unto Jesus Christ because he truly is the Prince of Peace. The atonement will allow you to love yourself and others again. The Gospel will teach you how to live a life that is truly fulfilling and brings true happiness. I was so sad, so lost, and hopeless. Now I am full of love, hope, and I found myself through the sacrifice and service of others.  For that I am eternally grateful. Because I am so grateful I will continue to serve others as Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father would have me do. I will continue to teach others about the gospel through my example and if needed through my words.

            At the beginning of these steps I had been sober for a while and I was unsure of what would happen as I worked through these steps. Now as I look back I am such a different woman. I am true believer, I have been healed and strengthened through the atonement. I have learned how to study to the scriptures and love and cherish them. I am a worthy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have learned how to live life on life’s terms and one day at a time. Most importantly I am close with all my family including my Heavenly Father. Each and every day I look forward to the moments I have on my knees to share with both Jesus and Heavenly Father how my day went, and struggles I might have, and express how grateful for everything.

            When I was young every time I made a wish I made the same wish until I was in my twenties. In my twenties one day I just stopped wishing because I gave up on life and on myself. The wish I wished for all those years “I wish I can be happy”. I no longer need to wish because through this process, the gospel, the atonement, prayers, love, and sacrifice from others, my dedications and obedience to the gospel I can truly say “I am happy”. For that my heart is full of joy and gratitude. Now to continue on in faith and enjoy life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

~Blessed Child

Addiction Recovery Program Step 12

Step 12 Service


To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step 12: Service
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/service-step-12

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 11

Step 11 Personal Revelation






To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step 11: Personal Revelation
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/personal-revelation-step-11

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 10

Step 10 Daily Accountability






To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step 10: Daily Accountability
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/daily-accountability-step-10

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 9

Step 9 Restitution and Reconciliation






To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step 9: Restitution and Reconciliation
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/restitution-and-reconciliation-step-9

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 8

Step 8 Seeking Forgiveness




To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step 8: Forgiveness
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/seeking-forgiveness-step-8

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 7

Step 7 Humility


To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step Seven: Humility
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/humility-step-7

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 5

Step 5:  Confession

Key Principle:  Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs. 

Confession to God

How does confessing your sins to God help you make positive changes in your life?

Confessing my sins is actually one of the steps of the atonement.  Since I led such a wild life the majority of my past I need to confide with another person and also to God.  I have been confessing my sins to God for years and years but have struggled to try to ask for forgiveness from God and to also go through the entire process of repentance.  By asking God for forgiveness it allows me to recognize what I have done wrong and how to make it right and maintain the changes.  God can make one white like snow.  Confessing my sins for someone like me that has led a troubled life like mine, back to a childlike almost innocent state will leave me with the gift of wisdom. 

Confessing to others

Confess your faults to one another and pray for one other that ye may be healed.   James 5:16
You may fear that someone who really knew all of your weaknesses and failings would reject you.  But a priesthood leader or a trusted friend who understands the recovery process usually responds with understanding and compassion.  How could such a response help you heal? 

To have someone provide me that kind of support and understanding and care would be absolutely amazing.  It would allow me to confess things that I need to confess to a priesthood holder in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  It would make me feel hopeful of God’s plan for me. 

Trying to look good to others

One major obsession of those who struggle with addiction is a great desire to look good to others.  How would this desire keep you from improving and bringing forth more fruit, good works?

Trying to look good and the fear of rejection and judgment is something very real to me.  In my past when I was 18, 19 I went to my bishop in Utah and tried to confess my sins.  But I felt I was just being judged with his checklist of things I had messed up with.  I now understand that sometimes we have lists to guide us.  Yet, this stuck with me for years and it still is a huge fear.  Allowing this fear to stop my growth is very scary because I only have one of two options:  turn to my Heavenly Father and grow in his light and love, or turn away, walk away and return to the empty life I lived before. 

How would your behavior change if you were only concerned about looking good to God?

Wow, if that was my only concern in life, life would be much simpler.  Yet I struggle with keeping that in my mind and heart and spirit day to day because I am just a woman.  The funny thing is I want to figure out how I can live a life like Jesus and also Mother Theresa, serving God and also serving others. 

Sincerity 

When you confess your sins you must also be sincere.  Consider how holding back part of your confession undermines the sincerity of your efforts.  What part of your inventory if any are you attempting to hide? 

I have been tempted to hide certain parts of my inventory.  They are embarrassing to tell anyone and enrooted so deep in my guilt and shame. 

What do you have to gain by continuing to hide this portion of your inventory?

I do not have to make amends. 

What do you have to lose?

Peace, freedom, and forgiveness.

Confessing sins as soon as you recognize them

What are the benefits of doing Step 5 as soon as possible after Step 4?

Doing Step 5 is very important after 4.  I think of someone that was burned severely.  Part of this recovery process is stripping the wounds of infection and dead skin.  The tools include knives, skin graters, and so on.  All burn victims say the treatment is horrible, excruciating pain.  Yet, to save their life from infection and death, this is the only way.  I consider the steps to be the same.  Step 4 is opening the wound, Step 5 is cleaning.  But with the assistance of loved and trusted people including bishops, priesthood holders, or a loved one, don’t delay the cleansing of the wound and soon the relief and peace will come. 

What might be the detrimental effects of procrastinating Step 5?

I have delayed Step 5 before.  I went back out almost immediately to my addiction because I opened a large painful wound without any relief.  My addiction was back but 10 times stronger.

Relieving stress and finding peace

In what ways can Step 4 and 5 relieve you of stress and bring you peace?

Steps 4 and 5 are digging the skeletons out of the closet and identifying the reason they are there, and giving them to someone else to help discard of them to free up space in life to live, laugh, love, and worship God.  It is the key to serenity and peace.

Forsaking sin

How do you demonstrate your desire to forsake your old ways by completing Step 5?

By confessing to another person it is demonstrating a willingness to do whatever it takes to change including forsaking old ways.  

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step Five: Confession
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/confession-step-5

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 4

Step 4:  Truth

Key Principle:  Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

You show your willingness to trust God.  Searching and fearless inventory. 

“Without a searching and fearless moral inventory...the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach.”

“Vigorous and painstaking effort to discover what these liabilities in each of us have been and are.”

-          12 Steps and 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous

“The Holy Ghost can help you humble yourself and face the truth even if the truth is painful.  With the help of the Lord you can recognize your strengths and weaknesses.” 

Ether 12:27

Step four is an act of stepping out of shame and admitting your need for repentance.  Include weaknesses but also include strengths.

Acknowledging the past.  Write about the resistance you feel when you think about being completely honest about your past.

I am so scared to put all of my scars/skeletons/sins down on paper.  It is so difficult to go back through all of those horrible years of life.  I was a lost, scared girl.  My life started differently than most people near to me.  As a young girl I lost my innocence...and it changed my course and path of life.  Being the sensitive, caring, peacemaking child and person I am I never disclosed it.  Until the day it all came out when I was 19 after I attempted to take my life.  I couldn’t take the pain anymore.  All I knew is that I wanted God to relieve my pain and my fears and my depression.  I had no idea that the healing could happen here on earth. 

I continued that wreck of a life.  I got wrapped up with the wrong people, places, and things.  I did many things I am not proud of.  I hurt many people with my reckless life.  I can’t blame my decisions on what happened but I did grow up thinking much differently than my peers.  I have come so far and it is hard to look at the damage I did.  What is more difficult to think about is the pain I caused the people I love the most.  I feel like I can never undo the pain that I caused them even though I know that they would forgive me.  I am scared looking at my past will bring up such strong feelings that it will spin me back into a deep, dark depression which is so scary for me because I was in that misery from the age of 19 through the age of 26. 

I am also scared to be completely honest because of my pride.  My pride does not want people to think negatively of me.  It’s just plain scary.  I am not in denial.  I know that I need these steps.  I like the scripture Alma 36:13.  It kind of encompasses who I was in trying to distance myself from everyone and everything.  Remembering your sins may be painful but it can propel you into a new life of peace. 

How can the hope of recovery help you through the pain of remorse to the joy of forgiveness?

I absolutely believe in the atonement of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I know that Jesus suffered for my sins so I could go through this process of repentance.  Recovery gives me hope to continue to progress and follow this program. 

The Truth

“By the power of the Holy Ghost, ye may know the truth of all things.”  Moroni 10:5

Write about how the Holy Ghost can guide you in the inventory process. 

The Holy Ghost provides me with truth and guidance.  The Holy Ghost will provide me with comfort with the truth of this process.  In combination with prayer I know that I can get through this very difficult step of writing down all of my past, the things we want to stick in a closet and lock up and never look at again.

Why is it important to know the truth about your current situation?

Only with truth, knowledge, and understanding can we start to make forward progress. 

Why is it important to know the truth that you are a child of God?

It is important to know the truth that I am a child of God because it give me the hope of eternal life and returning to my Heavenly Father one day by going through this process. 

I absolutely love Ether 12:27.  God gives men weaknesses that we might be humble and have faith.  If man humbles themselves before God, He will make weak things strong.

I have been in the process of recovery for 9 years.  God has taken some of my biggest weaknesses and made them my greatest assets.  I do not regret my past for He has taken the things that caused me the most pain and has made them my biggest lessons to help others with. 

How can recognizing truth improve your relationship with Jesus Christ?

I think recognizing and understanding my journey in relation to the gospel has made all of the difference.  Being honest with myself and with God is the most relationship to be honest in.  Honesty and seeking the truth allows freedom from life’s chains. 

I feel I need to close tonight with my feelings.  I have been extremely grateful to the people in my life, most importantly my Heavenly Father.  Being back in the Gospel of Jesus Christ of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Days Saints has been amazing.  The blessings have been showered on me.  Today I have so many words of gratitude come my way.  I had employees tell me how good I have looked, and someone told me that it looked like the chains had been released.  She was referencing my last relationship.  I know it was much bigger chains.  I feel like I am being unshackled.  The yoke is being lifted.  If Bishop told me it would be a year, or five years before I could take the sacrament I would say okay because I know I would just appreciate it that much more.  My life is beautiful, God is great.  I love my family so much.  I love the people I work with.  I love the people I serve.  I am so happy with where I am and where I am going.  I am finally focused on the important things in life:  helping and serving others, doing the best I can at what I chose to do and doing whatever it takes to return to my Heavenly Father and enduring to the end. 

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step Four: Truth
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/truth-step-4

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 3

Step 3:  Trust in God

Key Principle:  Decide to turn your will and your life over to the care of God the eternal Father and His son Jesus Christ. 

Step three is giving our will to God.  Step three is allowing us to be swallowed up by God’s will.  In Alma 5:13 it was very powerful.  They humbled themselves and put their trust in God and they were faithful until the end and they were saved. 

Revelation 3:20:  I stand at the door, and knock:  If any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come into him, and will sup with him, and he with me.

The power of the Savior’s atonement is not only forgiveness but also fortification to give us His strength against the next temptation.  We must rededicate ourselves to the Lord’s will every day, sometimes every hour, moment to moment.  We just must be willing.  Continuing to submit to God’s will reduces strife and brings more meaning to our lives. 

Step 3:  Let go of self will and self-seeking

2 Nephi 10:24  Only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.

How do you feel about letting God direct your life?

I feel absolutely comfortable with letting God direct my life.  I feel at peace and serene with letting God lead my life.  He is all-knowing and through Him I can find grace. 

Yet, what prevents you from allowing Him to direct your life?

I struggle to constantly keep God and His will at mind.  Not because I am bad but rather just a natural woman.  In the world it is so hard to keep the spirit with me constantly because of the insanity of the world, the media, and the sin that is all around.  I am really struggling to find a place of constant inner peace.  I have changed the music I listen to, the TV I watch, and I am working to change bad habits of speech, envy, and what I value.  It is a journey. 

Write about the humility it takes to want immediate relief and yet be willing to have a burden lighten gradually.

It takes a large amount of humility but more importantly faith.  Faith that God will do exactly what He promised but on His schedule, not on ours.  Of course we want relief instantly.

What does it mean to submit to God?  How do you submit?

I think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and His crucifixion.  Jesus the Christ wanted the pain to end but only if it was the will of His father.  That is the ultimate demonstration of submitting to God’s will.  Understanding that life is a process and there will be ups and downs, times of celebration and times of sorrow.  True submission is to understand that God is all-knowing and a loving God.  That the pain in life is not God doing pain to you, rather part of the journey to return to Heavenly Father and return with an understanding of the blessings and the promises.  Submitting in faith in the blessings, teachings, and covenants will be a reality.  Submitting and enduring to the end despite pain, despite loss, despite grief. 

How do you feel about submitting willingly and with patience to the Lord’s timetable of change?

I really started this process in April of 2003 when I hit my knees in 30 day treatment.  I asked Heavenly Father to assist me with getting sober in recovery.  Since April 2003 until now I have slowly been on the journey of recovery.  Ultimately I want to go into the temple and continue to learn and grow.  I was hoping to quickly start taking the sacrament but I understand patience and God’s timetable.  I will continue to strive to improve and grow.  Time provides us time to do more work and study and to grow.  I fully respect submitting to God on His timetable not mine.  Yet, I am still a bit impatient.  It’s a process right?

How can you gain the courage to keep trying until you are free of your burdens?

Through prayer, scripture study, helping others.  Another great source of information is through LDS.org and Mormon Messages.  Those really touch me and provide me with support and encouragement to keep pressing on. 

How can fasting strengthen your ability to yield your heart to God and abstain from addiction?

Next fast Sunday I plan on fasting with a very specific purpose.  To ask God to stay with me throughout the week.  Every Sunday I feel so strong but through the week I lose the spirit despite prayer and scripture study.  My career is extremely stressful and I find it hard to maintain my connection with God at work.  I am going to ask for guidance on how to keep connected with the spirit, to do the next right thing, and to keep Heavenly Father with me at all times.  I want to feel the peace and serenity as much as possible.  Yielding my heart to God is more important than anything right now.  I am willing to do and try anything. 

What keeps you from crying mightily to God for deliverance according to His will?

Nothing.  I continue to go to Him with prayer and ask for His guidance. 

What has kept you from seeking this kind of deliverance in the past?

Pride, anger, and resentment. 

In what ways can you learn to trust God?

By continuous prayer and meditation.  By building a solid relationship with God and understand that all prayers are answered but in God’s timetable.  Also when I am willing to do the actions and work that God commands. 

How can this knowledge help you humble yourself?

I have felt the power of Satan before when I tried to recover.  I struggled and felt hopeless and helpless.  I attempted suicide to stop the pain and misery.  I did not know or understand where I was at.  I was severely depressed.  Now I know Satan is powerful with messages yet God is so much more powerful if one would humble themselves to follow the teachings of the gospel:  pray, meditate, and action.  Read the scriptures.  Ask if you have doubts.  Work to keep the Holy Ghost with you daily.  Be honest.  Get professional help if needed.  Serve others when you feel sorry for yourself especially.

How does gratitude help you to be humble?

Gratitude allows us to get out of self-seeking, self-pity and puts us in a place of remembering the grace of God and the blessings that have been given to us.  It allows us to continue on in this beautiful journey called life.

What other qualities did Alma include?

Humble, submissive, gentle, easy to be entreated, full of patience and longsuffering, temperate, grateful, diligent in keeping the commandments.

Which of these qualities do you lack?

Diligence in keeping the commandments, giving thanks, full of patience, and gentle.  I can work on each of these qualities I lack of or want to improve on.  I could ask God to help me build these qualities.  Actually I’m going to start right now...

Why can you trust Heavenly Father and the Savior as perfect fathers as you submit your life to them?

Because they have nothing but good intentions and love for me.  God gave His only begotten son to save me.  A true testament of love and sacrifice. 

To have the relationship I have at this point with my Heavenly Father, to describe my struggles, feelings, and desires and yet to say, “Thy will be done,” is absolutely amazing.  ‘Cause I used to pray for my own selfish concerns.  Now I have a relationship with my Heavenly Father where I can be honest with my desires and follow it up with a prayer of understanding and guidance and humility and the understanding to follow God’s will and plan.  Amazing.  God’s love is amazing and wonderful above and beyond anything else I have ever experienced. 

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step Three: Trust in God
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/trust-in-god-step-3

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 2

Key Principle:  Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

 “We became willing to replace trust in ourselves and our addictions with faith in the love and the power of Jesus Christ.”

 “Steadfastness in Christ.”

 “Perfect Brightness of Hope.”

2 Nephi 31:20:   I love this scripture because it describes how to feel and care for my spiritual health.  “Press forward, feast upon the word of Christ, endure to the end and ye shall have eternal life.”

Belief in God

You will find how good it feels to express your feelings and needs to God.  I was told I should not ask for things but to only pray for His will.  Is it okay to pray for needs and questions to be answered?  Step two is simply to become willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost. 

In Mosiah 4:9, many witnesses in heaven and in earth testify of God’s existence.  What evidences of God and His love have you experienced?  

I have been touched by God’s love throughout my life.  Most recently I have been very touched by God’s love.  His love has been constant in my life.  But I recently opened my heart and soul and mind to fully receive His love and blessings.  I was given a God box in 2009 and I would put things in it on a note to hand it over to God.  Last night I opened it read about the different things I let go of and gave to God.  Most everything God had answered for me and blessed me with.  One thing I wanted so badly was a child.  And I gave it to God.  He blessed me by not allowing me to have a child in an unhealthy and toxic relationship.  I also asked for assistance with my relationship.  God has assisted me with that relationship by giving me clarity of the relationship and assisting me to end it, which in turn I knew immediately where I needed to go which was back to him and his gospel.  The blessings I have had since I have returned have been amazing.  Feeling the spirit daily, feeling God’s love, being surrounded by the most amazing people. 

I am sitting here writing this, listening to the Lamb of God soundtrack, and intensely feeling the spirit of Heavenly Father which I have not felt for years and I am filled with so much joy.  I honestly want to get lost in this process.  Waiting an entire week to go to church and meet with the Bishop and another lesson by the missionaries seems too long.  I am just so excited to continue to learn and grow spiritually.  I am so excited to do my part, to fully repent of my sins in my past, to exercise the atonement.  I am so grateful for Heavenly Father giving His only Begotten Son, the beautiful thing He did to allow so many people the opportunity to return to Heavenly Father one day at a time, it’s amazing and thank you. 

Faith in Jesus Christ 

Alma 37:33:  Preach until them repentance and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and teach them to humble themselves to be meek and lowly in heart.  Teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil with their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Write about your feelings today of being humble and willing to turn to Christ and His gospel above all other sources of help in your recovery efforts. 

In my recovery and in my journey I have done many many different things.  All part of my process of recovery including 12 step programs, years of counseling, education, and self-help books.  I do not at all want to discount any pieces of the steps I have taken to get me to where I am at today.  Each thing was important.  Through all of it I gained understanding and insight into who I am and how to recover.  Yet something was still missing.  With a humble heart I hit my knees to show my reverence and my desire to do whatever it takes to return to my Heavenly Father one day.  I humbly ask Him for forgiveness for all of the things I have done.  I finally have the understanding that all men and women are sinners.  We are all equal in the eye of God.  The feeling I feel today is gratitude and relief.  Gratitude that I am able to use the atonement, relief that I can stop searching and running.  I am also a bit nervous because I am still human and I try to do the right things daily, but I let curse words slip and I have many years of bad habits to mend.  I want to get to the repentance step as quickly as possible but I humbly understand that the steps are in order for a reason. 

The Savior’s Compassion

How do you feel about sharing your feelings with the Lord?

The majority of the time I feel pretty good about sharing my feelings with the Lord.  When I doubt myself or I start to stray it is difficult for me to pray or to be honest with the Lord.  This of course allows me to fall away quicker from His grace. 

The Gift of Grace

In what ways have you felt the gift of grace in your life?  (The Savior will do for you what you cannot do for yourself.)

Wow I have felt so much grace in my life.  Throughout my life there has been times that I knew I had someone watching out for me, God’s grace.  Quite a few times in my life I have nearly died due to actions of my own or accidents.  Yet I always came out alive. I know God used His divine grace to look out for me.  More importantly I have felt the gift of grace in recovery.  The repentance process would be the prime example of God’s grace.  I am but dust of the earth but with the atonement and God’s grace all things are possible.  I have learned how to take each day one day at a time.  I have a good relationship with my parents and family.  I have gotten out of an unhealthy and toxic relationship.  This is all due to the gift of grace. 

Healing

When we think of healing we usually think about our bodies.  What else about you might require the healing power of Jesus Christ?

With this journey I feel so close to the gospel, the spirit, and my path in life.  With all my heart I know what I am doing is the right thing.  Yet for the days between church I lose my foothold and my connection.  I do not know how to keep the spirit with me.  I need Jesus Christ’s healing to make me clean and pure.  I am so excited to repent of my sins and be pure like a child.  I think this process is perfect for me to realize what I will struggle with and what I will need:  daily strength from the scriptures, prayer, and meditation from living a life so distant from the Lord.  I need to not only draw on the redeeming power of Christ for the atonement, but daily as I learn to crawl, then walk, and run as a child of God, how to stay connected with the spirit every day. 

I sit in a crowded Chinese restaurant listening to the Lamb of God and doing my step work and I feel so connected to my Lord and my path.  For the first time in my life I have such a strong testimony of God’s plan for me and the atonement and I am so excited to endure to the end and then go to heaven and live a beautiful life in the presence of God and with my family.  Amazing, absolutely amazing.  I never thought I could feel the way I feel.  Life is still life and it will have its challenges.  But I feel anything is possible with the gospel and staying connected to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.

Awakening

Becoming aware or awakening and arousing your faculties is an important part of the process of learning to believe.  In what ways are you more aware today of Jesus Christ and His power in your life than you were last week, a month, or a year ago?

I think with my writing so far it testifies of my amazing awakening and arousing of my faculties.  A year ago I had no faculties at all to the spirit.  I would consider them to be almost dead.  Then I had this amazing clarity.  But it was something subtle.  But I had enough faculty to hear and see and I knew.  The combination of the end of my relationship, having a clear mind, and my father bearing his testimony to me on our fishing trip in March, everything changed.  I woke from a 15 year sleep of spirituality and I was very aware.  I told myself I would start slow.  I watched a few sessions of conference in Spring of 2012.  And it was like the talks were written for me.  Then I went to church and got on my knees and asked God with every ounce of my being to show me if going back to church was what I was supposed to be doing, let me feel the spirit.  I felt the spirit I have not felt since, to my best recollection, in my teens.  Yes, awake and listening and doing what I can.  Each day I wake up with good intentions to read the scriptures every day.  But I have not every day, but I am trying.  And I will continue to try. 

Deliverance From Bondage

Write some things you are willing to try to do today to receive His word to you.

I am willing to go to church, study the scriptures, meet weekly with the bishop, prayer, not listen to music that takes me away from God, keep the Sabbath holy, missionary lessons, being a visiting teacher when I am close to going to the temple, meeting new friends, follow the commandments, go scripture study class, pass on the good news, and be a good role model. 

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step Two: Hope
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/hope-step-2

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

  

Addiction Recovery Program Step 1

Step one:  Do you feel encompassed or trapped?  When do you feel this way most often?

I have felt very encompassed and trapped when I start to hang around the wrong people or allow media or people’s opinions to sway me from my spirituality and my relationship from my Heavenly Father.  When I choose to start with my addiction again I feel powerless and completely trapped by my poor decision. 

Question:  What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave into your addiction?

Loneliness would be my number one feeling which in turn causes me to call old friends and hang out with people or at places that I know are trouble for me.  Then I start feeling depressed and things spiral very very very quickly. 

Question:  When Nephi felt overwhelmed in whom did he place his trust?  What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?

I can go to church, read the scriptures, and pray with more trust in the Lord.  Really trust that his answers ultimately are exactly what is supposed to happen despite me not understanding in the moment. 

Scripture:  Moses 1:10  It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man.  And he said unto himself, now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed. 

Question:  How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?

Moses realized at that time he was nothing.  He was weak as a natural man.  I think this really surprised Moses. 

Question:  How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents?

A little child has not sinned, thus is perfect and is of infinite worth.  Parents have started being accountable for actions and also possibly have taken upon covenants and have been tried, and truly practiced principles. 

Question:  In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God?

Without the help of God I am just a woman that is imperfect.  With God there is nothing that is impossible.  He provides me with everything that I need for the eternities.  As a natural woman is limited to this life and is weak. 

Question:  Write about how recognizing your helplessness helps you overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

When I realized I was completely helpless in my addiction I prayed to God on my knees and was humbled to the core, asking and pleading for his protection.  I realized I was nothing and I would be dead without him.  I was and still am a small, weak little child and my Father is protecting and guiding me. 

Scripture:  Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.  Matthew 5:6 

Scripture:  And my soul hungered.  And I kneeled down before my maker and I cried until him in mighty prayer in supplication for mine own soul.  And all the day long did I cry unto him.  Yea and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.  Enos 1:4

Question:  In these two scriptures we learn that our souls can hunger.  Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry?  What causes that emptiness?

Prior to returning to church I had an immense feeling of hunger but I did not know for which or what I was hungry for.  I prayed for the understanding and after church I felt so full of the spirit and God’s love.  Then I realized for the past 15 years I had starved myself of the spirit and the blessings that were waiting for me to seek out. 

Question:  How can your hunger for things of the spirit help you to be more honest?

The hunger makes me want to do the right things which first is honesty.  Without honesty first I cannot move forward with recovery and repentance.  Thus, things stand still.  With honestly I can truthfully look at myself and continue to grow.  Honesty is the root of recovery and a happy fulfilling eternal life. 

Quotation:  “Some may regard the quality of character known as honesty to be a most ordinary subject but I believe it to be the very essence of the gospel.  Without honesty our lives will degenerate into ugliness and chaos.”  Gordon B. Hinckley  “We Believe in Being Honest” Ensign  October 1992

Question:  Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others.  How has this behavior caused ugliness and chaos?

I continually covered one lie with another until the point that the lies were so big and impossible to cover it exploded.  I caused my family and friends so much pain and hurt.  I hurt myself severely to this day.  I still have consequences of those lies that come up from time to time to remind me of the ugliness and chaos. 

Because ye are compelled to be humbled blessed are ye.  For a man sometimes if he is compelled to be humbled, seeketh repentance.  And now surely whosoever repenteth shall find mercy.  And he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.  Alma 32:13

Write about the circumstances that have compelled you to humility and to seek repentance.  What hope does Alma give you?  How can you find or receive that hope?

In 2003 it was my addiction.  In 2012 it was emptiness and wanting to know the truth about the gospel.  That I can be saved if I seek repentance and endure to the end. 

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord.  But they that deal truly are his delight.  Proverbs 12:22

Writing the answers to these questions has called for a deep level of honesty about yourself.  How does this passage of scripture relate to this kind of honesty?  How can you become the Lord’s delight?

To be truly honest of myself and with God makes God happy and I believe makes Him rejoice because with honesty allows all of God’s children to be saved and return to him someday which is what God truly wants. 

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step One: Honesty
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/honesty-step-1

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.