Wanting tattoo removal or a new tattoo... What?

I have been going through laser tattoo removal for months. I had to take some time off because off a surgery and an injury. Today I am really wanting to get either a session of laser removal or a tattoo. What does that say? My loved ones and the people I confide in say it is my emotions are not in the normal functioning range so causing some sort of pain shuts down the emotions/pain and puts everything back in a more tolerable place. 

I did not notice that pattern until one day I was craving a treatment for laser removal because of some horrific emotional pain I was going through. I went and got the laser removal and that immediately stopped the emotional pain. For the first time is was blatantly obvious what the treatments did. The physical pain of the tattoo removal overrode the emotional pain. Very intriguing. When I find myself focused on things and becoming imbalanced I can not reach for people, places, or things that take me from what I am working hard to become. 

No longer can I reach for the empty relationship that caused harm but fulfilled my immediate need of someone that would tell me how beautiful and loved I am only to later stab me in the heart.

I can not go to friends that offer me things that take me from what I am trying to become.

I can not reach for substances, games or other things that do not add anything of value.

I ask myself does this take me further away or closer to who I am trying to become?

Tattoo removal... Closer. When it is not used to escape feelings. (Today I called 3 times trying to get an appointment)

new ink... Further. Even though the message would be uplifting. It is only to fulfill this craving to stop the emotional pain. 

Today I will pray, surround myself with good people, and this too shall pass. One day at a time. 

~blessed child