Beautiful day

Today was one of those days I never want to forget. It was an amazing day. My heart is full of hope and happiness.

It feels like the sun rays would shine out of every pore if I was any happier. The song birds would sing in unison my favorite songs if I were any happier.  

When I say hope I mean hope beyond: tomorrow I hope work goes well...

I hope that so so calls me...

I even hope soon I will fall in love.

This is hope or a BELIEF that all of it will happen. Every fiber of my being knows/believes that it is all true. 

What is true?

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Heavenly Father sent his Son to come down to atone for our sins.

I always thought the atonement was for future happiness but no it applies to NOW. Happiness right now in this moment.

I testify with all my heart and soul that I know God the Eternal Father lives and that Jesus Christ made it possible to be happy here on earth. happy among the trials, happy despite all the suffering in the world, happy even though bad things happen to good people and good things happen to not so good people.

Today I was at the most beautiful place and a majority of the time I was just smiling. Everyone around me was smiling too. I thought if this is what heaven is like this is perfect.

Today I also got to spend time with dear friends. Someone that I really look up too. Her life has been a challenge but she continues to fight and battle. She is such a courageous woman. She struggles with  some stuff but the changes she has made since I met her one year ago are astonishing. As we talked I told her how happy Heavenly Father is... I know he is because I could feel it in my heart. I told her no matter what even if you stumble... Don't turn away. 

Then me and my other really good friend and her son went and did some service tonight. It is such a blessing to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I am truly so blessed. 

I do wish this feeling could stay with me for days and days. I know one day though it will feel like this everyday. In the life to come.

It is so worth it. Turn to Heavenly Father. Let go of the things that hold you down. Repent, be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost and endure on. Endure with joy and gladness. 

The promises are true.

I know despite how I feel right now the dark clouds and days will return. There is opposition in all things. On the darkest of days... I write to remember the most amazing and beautiful feelings that I felt.

~blessed child

My temple experience

I can hardly find the words to describe the experience I had tonight at the temple. Today I was nervous and excited and nervous and EXCITED all day. It kinda felt like I was 3 and I was waiting for Christmas morning or about to go play in the championship game.

The path I walked for many years was polar opposite of how I felt tonight. 

Yes I had fun but only moments of fun followed by isolation, regret, and hurt.

Tonight I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and joy.

As I sat in the chapel meditating and thinking about my life and where I have been and the decision to turn away from all of that and to commit to doing and being better. Being the woman I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

I knew that my Heavenly Father and my Savior were looking down on me with big smiles.

I am not going to lie I did have moments of self doubt wondering if I can sustain, and I wondered if this is really me. I have only known this woman for months. The old me the familiar and wild me I know what she is all about.

I am so blessed to know "With God nothing shall be impossible" Luke 1:37

I know that what I felt tonight was just the beginning. 

The other beautiful thing was a lot of my family and friends were there with me. We also got to do my brothers proxy work that passed away. The spirit was so strong I could visualize him in heaven looking down on is having such an amazing moment together for our entire family. 

I have cried off and on throughout the day. Feeling full of love and happiness. 

Wow. It was everything I hoped for and more!

The biggest feeling I have is gratitude for my Savior and Heavenly Father for giving me the ability to come unto him and to be made whole. 

I am a blessed child.

Limited temple recommend

Wow a day I thought would never come just happened. I went through the interview process for my limited temple recommend. It has been 21 years since I have has a limited temple recommend.  I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love me service that has poured upon me to help me get here. 

Especially grateful for my family, friends and priesthood leaders who kept encouraging me when I felt it was impossible. There have been countless phone calls, text massages, and so forth that have brought me back from the edge back into the fold where the strength is.

Above all else this would not have been possible without the enabling power of the atonement. I owe everything to my Savior  and The Lord for everything they have given me.

I think I will constantly struggle with my own voices in my head that will try to make me feel not good enough. I could answer all the recommend questions honestly and I know I can walk into the house of The Lord WORTHY. 

Truly another miracle through the power of the savior and my Heavenly father.

Blessed beyond belief.

~blessed child

 

A miracle... On the path

February 26 my life changed. Actually my life has been slowly changing and improving since 2003.
In April of 2003 I hit my knees when I was in a 30 day treatment facility and asked my Heavenly Father to help me get sober and find recovery in my life. I made a promise to him that I would do the things I needed to in order to stay sober and learn to do the right things in my life.
Many years later I am sitting here writing about my life, my spirituality, my love for life, and my relationship with God.
On February 26 I sat down with my significant other and we made a decision to separate and within a week I knew I wanted to end our long relationship. There had been many things that happened over the years to lead to this decision but those things don't really matter now. I knew life had more to offer than how I was feeling. I felt numb, detached, disconnected from the world but this disconnection was not caused from an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship; it is something much bigger and I have a hard time explaining it. I had been searching for the answer with accomplishments, money, things and friends. From the outside I was successful yet on the inside I felt empty. Not depressed though. On February 26 I had this level of clarity like I had never experienced before. It was very intense! It was not like the heavens parted and I knew what I needed to go... I just had this "intuition" and clarity that it does get better than this. I can do it. I will get there, I will figure it out ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I also knew exactly where I need to go. I called my brother and went over and talked with him and his wife about staying with them. My brother has also been such an AMAZING role model. His wife is awesome, and I adore their children. They graciously said I could live with them. So I moved in. Little did I know...
Today is April 25 I wanted to write about my spiritual journal with the many changes that I have made and I will make in my life.
On April 15 I went back to church for the first time in many many years (since I was 19). Before I went to church I said a very simple prayer to my Heavenly Father to ask him to allow me to feel the spirit if I was supposed to be there and HOLY COW.
The entire time I felt the spirit from the moment I sat down in church through all the meetings.
In the first meeting called sacrament meeting it was a testimony meeting where people can get up and share their experiences and also there love for the Savior or whatever they would like to talk about in relation to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I was blessed to hear peoples testimonies of church, the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the recent conference.
One testimony stuck out. He talked about not having a ticket to get into conference (he lost it) and how at the very last second he was able to get in. He said he thinks about making the right choices so he can be with his family forever in heaven. He never wants to be outside wishing he had his ticket to get in.
We went to the next class called "Gospel Essentials" and I got to meet with members of the ward, and also meet the missionaries. We learned about King Benjamin from the Book of Mormon. I felt the spirit strongly in the class. My brother introduced me to the missionaries and they asked me if I would be interested in taking the missionary lessons. I agreed so we scheduled lesson 1 for  the following week.
Then I went to the next meeting called Relief Society it is where the women get together and share, and learn more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and how to be better daughter and women of Christ. Everyone was very kind and welcoming. My sister in law sat by me and introduced me to the women.
Before Sunday I did not own a dress or a skirt, I was so scared of going back to church because of past experiences and my own fears, and I definitely was VERY scared of sitting in a room full of really righteous women. I was nervous to step inside church fearing I might get struck by lightning. :)
After church I went home and took one of those naps you wish could go on for days.
I went back to church to meet with the Bishop. We talked about my first day being back at church after many many years of not attending. We also touched on some of my struggles and choices I had made over the years. I told him that it was my goal to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Bishop was supportive, kind, educated me, and really made me feel like I belonged. I was surprised how well it went and how uplifted I felt and I could not wait to meet again to get more work done.
The following week I travel out of state to present at a conference and the entire trip I had the spirit with me. I was very excited to return home and go back to church. (A feeling I thought I would never feel)
April 22 I went to church again and sacrament meeting was really good, Gospel Essentials was great but Relief Society was AMAZING. One of the women gave a lesson on hope. I was in tears almost the entire time because the lesson was about life, the atonement of Jesus Christ and Heaven. It gave me HOPE about somethings that happened as a direct result of very early childhood trauma and that God knows the difference. These things kept me away from the Gospel pretty much my whole life. Even though I went to church as a child until I was 18, I never listened. I couldn't! I was touched and moved. Her beautiful lesson gave me the assurance I was in the right place and to finally get the healing I desperately desired. I wanted to stand up in the room and thank everyone, praise Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and SING.
Again, I met with Bishop and we talked further about my life. He also provided me with more guidance and taught me more. Since I was making major changes in my life and I was like a new convert to the church I had so much to learn.
I am so uplifted , I am so full of peace about going back to church and I want to do whatever it takes.
Bishop gave me homework to read the Addiction Recovery Manual to complete Step 1.
I also met with the missionaries, my brother, and sister in law. They did an great job especially since one of them had only been out for 6 days, They challenged me to read the Book of Mormon and so far I have read the introduction.
What an amazing experience I have had. It is actually miraculous! I NEVER thought I would be here writing this and feeling as happy as I am feeling now. I can only imagine what it will be like if this is just the beginning.

Addiction Recovery Program Step 2

Key Principle:  Come to believe that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health.

 “We became willing to replace trust in ourselves and our addictions with faith in the love and the power of Jesus Christ.”

 “Steadfastness in Christ.”

 “Perfect Brightness of Hope.”

2 Nephi 31:20:   I love this scripture because it describes how to feel and care for my spiritual health.  “Press forward, feast upon the word of Christ, endure to the end and ye shall have eternal life.”

Belief in God

You will find how good it feels to express your feelings and needs to God.  I was told I should not ask for things but to only pray for His will.  Is it okay to pray for needs and questions to be answered?  Step two is simply to become willing to practice believing in the love and mercy of Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the accessibility and blessing of the Holy Ghost. 

In Mosiah 4:9, many witnesses in heaven and in earth testify of God’s existence.  What evidences of God and His love have you experienced?  

I have been touched by God’s love throughout my life.  Most recently I have been very touched by God’s love.  His love has been constant in my life.  But I recently opened my heart and soul and mind to fully receive His love and blessings.  I was given a God box in 2009 and I would put things in it on a note to hand it over to God.  Last night I opened it read about the different things I let go of and gave to God.  Most everything God had answered for me and blessed me with.  One thing I wanted so badly was a child.  And I gave it to God.  He blessed me by not allowing me to have a child in an unhealthy and toxic relationship.  I also asked for assistance with my relationship.  God has assisted me with that relationship by giving me clarity of the relationship and assisting me to end it, which in turn I knew immediately where I needed to go which was back to him and his gospel.  The blessings I have had since I have returned have been amazing.  Feeling the spirit daily, feeling God’s love, being surrounded by the most amazing people. 

I am sitting here writing this, listening to the Lamb of God soundtrack, and intensely feeling the spirit of Heavenly Father which I have not felt for years and I am filled with so much joy.  I honestly want to get lost in this process.  Waiting an entire week to go to church and meet with the Bishop and another lesson by the missionaries seems too long.  I am just so excited to continue to learn and grow spiritually.  I am so excited to do my part, to fully repent of my sins in my past, to exercise the atonement.  I am so grateful for Heavenly Father giving His only Begotten Son, the beautiful thing He did to allow so many people the opportunity to return to Heavenly Father one day at a time, it’s amazing and thank you. 

Faith in Jesus Christ 

Alma 37:33:  Preach until them repentance and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and teach them to humble themselves to be meek and lowly in heart.  Teach them to withstand every temptation of the devil with their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. 

Write about your feelings today of being humble and willing to turn to Christ and His gospel above all other sources of help in your recovery efforts. 

In my recovery and in my journey I have done many many different things.  All part of my process of recovery including 12 step programs, years of counseling, education, and self-help books.  I do not at all want to discount any pieces of the steps I have taken to get me to where I am at today.  Each thing was important.  Through all of it I gained understanding and insight into who I am and how to recover.  Yet something was still missing.  With a humble heart I hit my knees to show my reverence and my desire to do whatever it takes to return to my Heavenly Father one day.  I humbly ask Him for forgiveness for all of the things I have done.  I finally have the understanding that all men and women are sinners.  We are all equal in the eye of God.  The feeling I feel today is gratitude and relief.  Gratitude that I am able to use the atonement, relief that I can stop searching and running.  I am also a bit nervous because I am still human and I try to do the right things daily, but I let curse words slip and I have many years of bad habits to mend.  I want to get to the repentance step as quickly as possible but I humbly understand that the steps are in order for a reason. 

The Savior’s Compassion

How do you feel about sharing your feelings with the Lord?

The majority of the time I feel pretty good about sharing my feelings with the Lord.  When I doubt myself or I start to stray it is difficult for me to pray or to be honest with the Lord.  This of course allows me to fall away quicker from His grace. 

The Gift of Grace

In what ways have you felt the gift of grace in your life?  (The Savior will do for you what you cannot do for yourself.)

Wow I have felt so much grace in my life.  Throughout my life there has been times that I knew I had someone watching out for me, God’s grace.  Quite a few times in my life I have nearly died due to actions of my own or accidents.  Yet I always came out alive. I know God used His divine grace to look out for me.  More importantly I have felt the gift of grace in recovery.  The repentance process would be the prime example of God’s grace.  I am but dust of the earth but with the atonement and God’s grace all things are possible.  I have learned how to take each day one day at a time.  I have a good relationship with my parents and family.  I have gotten out of an unhealthy and toxic relationship.  This is all due to the gift of grace. 

Healing

When we think of healing we usually think about our bodies.  What else about you might require the healing power of Jesus Christ?

With this journey I feel so close to the gospel, the spirit, and my path in life.  With all my heart I know what I am doing is the right thing.  Yet for the days between church I lose my foothold and my connection.  I do not know how to keep the spirit with me.  I need Jesus Christ’s healing to make me clean and pure.  I am so excited to repent of my sins and be pure like a child.  I think this process is perfect for me to realize what I will struggle with and what I will need:  daily strength from the scriptures, prayer, and meditation from living a life so distant from the Lord.  I need to not only draw on the redeeming power of Christ for the atonement, but daily as I learn to crawl, then walk, and run as a child of God, how to stay connected with the spirit every day. 

I sit in a crowded Chinese restaurant listening to the Lamb of God and doing my step work and I feel so connected to my Lord and my path.  For the first time in my life I have such a strong testimony of God’s plan for me and the atonement and I am so excited to endure to the end and then go to heaven and live a beautiful life in the presence of God and with my family.  Amazing, absolutely amazing.  I never thought I could feel the way I feel.  Life is still life and it will have its challenges.  But I feel anything is possible with the gospel and staying connected to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost.

Awakening

Becoming aware or awakening and arousing your faculties is an important part of the process of learning to believe.  In what ways are you more aware today of Jesus Christ and His power in your life than you were last week, a month, or a year ago?

I think with my writing so far it testifies of my amazing awakening and arousing of my faculties.  A year ago I had no faculties at all to the spirit.  I would consider them to be almost dead.  Then I had this amazing clarity.  But it was something subtle.  But I had enough faculty to hear and see and I knew.  The combination of the end of my relationship, having a clear mind, and my father bearing his testimony to me on our fishing trip in March, everything changed.  I woke from a 15 year sleep of spirituality and I was very aware.  I told myself I would start slow.  I watched a few sessions of conference in Spring of 2012.  And it was like the talks were written for me.  Then I went to church and got on my knees and asked God with every ounce of my being to show me if going back to church was what I was supposed to be doing, let me feel the spirit.  I felt the spirit I have not felt since, to my best recollection, in my teens.  Yes, awake and listening and doing what I can.  Each day I wake up with good intentions to read the scriptures every day.  But I have not every day, but I am trying.  And I will continue to try. 

Deliverance From Bondage

Write some things you are willing to try to do today to receive His word to you.

I am willing to go to church, study the scriptures, meet weekly with the bishop, prayer, not listen to music that takes me away from God, keep the Sabbath holy, missionary lessons, being a visiting teacher when I am close to going to the temple, meeting new friends, follow the commandments, go scripture study class, pass on the good news, and be a good role model. 

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step Two: Hope
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/hope-step-2

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

  

Addiction Recovery Program Step 1

Step one:  Do you feel encompassed or trapped?  When do you feel this way most often?

I have felt very encompassed and trapped when I start to hang around the wrong people or allow media or people’s opinions to sway me from my spirituality and my relationship from my Heavenly Father.  When I choose to start with my addiction again I feel powerless and completely trapped by my poor decision. 

Question:  What situations or feelings weakened you so you gave into your addiction?

Loneliness would be my number one feeling which in turn causes me to call old friends and hang out with people or at places that I know are trouble for me.  Then I start feeling depressed and things spiral very very very quickly. 

Question:  When Nephi felt overwhelmed in whom did he place his trust?  What can you do to place more trust in the Lord?

I can go to church, read the scriptures, and pray with more trust in the Lord.  Really trust that his answers ultimately are exactly what is supposed to happen despite me not understanding in the moment. 

Scripture:  Moses 1:10  It came to pass that it was for the space of many hours before Moses did again receive his natural strength like unto man.  And he said unto himself, now for this cause I know that man is nothing, which thing I never had supposed. 

Question:  How did Moses describe himself as compared to God?

Moses realized at that time he was nothing.  He was weak as a natural man.  I think this really surprised Moses. 

Question:  How can a little child be of infinite worth and still be nothing when compared to his or her parents?

A little child has not sinned, thus is perfect and is of infinite worth.  Parents have started being accountable for actions and also possibly have taken upon covenants and have been tried, and truly practiced principles. 

Question:  In what ways are you nothing when you do not have the help of God?

Without the help of God I am just a woman that is imperfect.  With God there is nothing that is impossible.  He provides me with everything that I need for the eternities.  As a natural woman is limited to this life and is weak. 

Question:  Write about how recognizing your helplessness helps you overcome your addiction on your own can bring you to admit your own nothingness and become as a little child.

When I realized I was completely helpless in my addiction I prayed to God on my knees and was humbled to the core, asking and pleading for his protection.  I realized I was nothing and I would be dead without him.  I was and still am a small, weak little child and my Father is protecting and guiding me. 

Scripture:  Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.  Matthew 5:6 

Scripture:  And my soul hungered.  And I kneeled down before my maker and I cried until him in mighty prayer in supplication for mine own soul.  And all the day long did I cry unto him.  Yea and when the night came I did still raise my voice high that it reached the heavens.  Enos 1:4

Question:  In these two scriptures we learn that our souls can hunger.  Do you ever feel empty inside, even when you are not physically hungry?  What causes that emptiness?

Prior to returning to church I had an immense feeling of hunger but I did not know for which or what I was hungry for.  I prayed for the understanding and after church I felt so full of the spirit and God’s love.  Then I realized for the past 15 years I had starved myself of the spirit and the blessings that were waiting for me to seek out. 

Question:  How can your hunger for things of the spirit help you to be more honest?

The hunger makes me want to do the right things which first is honesty.  Without honesty first I cannot move forward with recovery and repentance.  Thus, things stand still.  With honestly I can truthfully look at myself and continue to grow.  Honesty is the root of recovery and a happy fulfilling eternal life. 

Quotation:  “Some may regard the quality of character known as honesty to be a most ordinary subject but I believe it to be the very essence of the gospel.  Without honesty our lives will degenerate into ugliness and chaos.”  Gordon B. Hinckley  “We Believe in Being Honest” Ensign  October 1992

Question:  Write about ways you have lied and attempted to hide your addiction from yourself and others.  How has this behavior caused ugliness and chaos?

I continually covered one lie with another until the point that the lies were so big and impossible to cover it exploded.  I caused my family and friends so much pain and hurt.  I hurt myself severely to this day.  I still have consequences of those lies that come up from time to time to remind me of the ugliness and chaos. 

Because ye are compelled to be humbled blessed are ye.  For a man sometimes if he is compelled to be humbled, seeketh repentance.  And now surely whosoever repenteth shall find mercy.  And he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.  Alma 32:13

Write about the circumstances that have compelled you to humility and to seek repentance.  What hope does Alma give you?  How can you find or receive that hope?

In 2003 it was my addiction.  In 2012 it was emptiness and wanting to know the truth about the gospel.  That I can be saved if I seek repentance and endure to the end. 

Lying lips are an abomination to the Lord.  But they that deal truly are his delight.  Proverbs 12:22

Writing the answers to these questions has called for a deep level of honesty about yourself.  How does this passage of scripture relate to this kind of honesty?  How can you become the Lord’s delight?

To be truly honest of myself and with God makes God happy and I believe makes Him rejoice because with honesty allows all of God’s children to be saved and return to him someday which is what God truly wants. 

To listen to an actual ARP 12 step meeting focused on Step One: Honesty
Please visit http://www.mormonchannel.org/addiction-recovery-program/honesty-step-1

The Addiction Recovery Guide is available as a PDF (24 languages) or mp3.

More information is available on arp.lds.org.

Post 1... feeling scared

Tonight I was inspired to start my blog because of a message shared at family night. Stephanie Nielson had incredible strength and courage to continue to have faith and trust despite what a horrific accident and trial she went through.Not only does she continue on but she has flourished as a woman, mother, friend, and an inspiration for all.  http://youtu.be/KHDvxPjsm8E
I have been told for years I need to write a book or to share my story to help others with their struggles in life. Honestly up to tonight I really have not felt my story would help many. I also did not feel "healed" or "well" enough to share. Even if my story helps ONE it is worth it. This is my experience, strength and hope.
My hope is through my ongoing recovery from many trials and choices I have made in my life, that it will give you hope to step outside of your comfort zone to push a little harder and/or try something new that will start your journey of healing.
I plan on sharing my experience: what happened (the short version), my recovery, where I am at now, and where I hope to go.
If you find my blog helpful... please share it with someone you love or someone that might find  little hope from it.
I am not a writer. These are all my thoughts and my personal experiences that I have gone through. These are all original thoughts, ideas and experiences.
I prefer to stay anonymous on this blog because truly this is for you.
~Blessed Child