Beautiful day

Today was one of those days I never want to forget. It was an amazing day. My heart is full of hope and happiness.

It feels like the sun rays would shine out of every pore if I was any happier. The song birds would sing in unison my favorite songs if I were any happier.  

When I say hope I mean hope beyond: tomorrow I hope work goes well...

I hope that so so calls me...

I even hope soon I will fall in love.

This is hope or a BELIEF that all of it will happen. Every fiber of my being knows/believes that it is all true. 

What is true?

The gospel of Jesus Christ is true. Heavenly Father sent his Son to come down to atone for our sins.

I always thought the atonement was for future happiness but no it applies to NOW. Happiness right now in this moment.

I testify with all my heart and soul that I know God the Eternal Father lives and that Jesus Christ made it possible to be happy here on earth. happy among the trials, happy despite all the suffering in the world, happy even though bad things happen to good people and good things happen to not so good people.

Today I was at the most beautiful place and a majority of the time I was just smiling. Everyone around me was smiling too. I thought if this is what heaven is like this is perfect.

Today I also got to spend time with dear friends. Someone that I really look up too. Her life has been a challenge but she continues to fight and battle. She is such a courageous woman. She struggles with  some stuff but the changes she has made since I met her one year ago are astonishing. As we talked I told her how happy Heavenly Father is... I know he is because I could feel it in my heart. I told her no matter what even if you stumble... Don't turn away. 

Then me and my other really good friend and her son went and did some service tonight. It is such a blessing to have such wonderful friends in my life.

I am truly so blessed. 

I do wish this feeling could stay with me for days and days. I know one day though it will feel like this everyday. In the life to come.

It is so worth it. Turn to Heavenly Father. Let go of the things that hold you down. Repent, be baptized, receive the gift of the Holy Ghost and endure on. Endure with joy and gladness. 

The promises are true.

I know despite how I feel right now the dark clouds and days will return. There is opposition in all things. On the darkest of days... I write to remember the most amazing and beautiful feelings that I felt.

~blessed child

My temple experience

I can hardly find the words to describe the experience I had tonight at the temple. Today I was nervous and excited and nervous and EXCITED all day. It kinda felt like I was 3 and I was waiting for Christmas morning or about to go play in the championship game.

The path I walked for many years was polar opposite of how I felt tonight. 

Yes I had fun but only moments of fun followed by isolation, regret, and hurt.

Tonight I was overwhelmed with a sense of peace and joy.

As I sat in the chapel meditating and thinking about my life and where I have been and the decision to turn away from all of that and to commit to doing and being better. Being the woman I know my Heavenly Father wants me to be. 

I knew that my Heavenly Father and my Savior were looking down on me with big smiles.

I am not going to lie I did have moments of self doubt wondering if I can sustain, and I wondered if this is really me. I have only known this woman for months. The old me the familiar and wild me I know what she is all about.

I am so blessed to know "With God nothing shall be impossible" Luke 1:37

I know that what I felt tonight was just the beginning. 

The other beautiful thing was a lot of my family and friends were there with me. We also got to do my brothers proxy work that passed away. The spirit was so strong I could visualize him in heaven looking down on is having such an amazing moment together for our entire family. 

I have cried off and on throughout the day. Feeling full of love and happiness. 

Wow. It was everything I hoped for and more!

The biggest feeling I have is gratitude for my Savior and Heavenly Father for giving me the ability to come unto him and to be made whole. 

I am a blessed child.

Limited temple recommend

Wow a day I thought would never come just happened. I went through the interview process for my limited temple recommend. It has been 21 years since I have has a limited temple recommend.  I feel overwhelmed with gratitude for all the love me service that has poured upon me to help me get here. 

Especially grateful for my family, friends and priesthood leaders who kept encouraging me when I felt it was impossible. There have been countless phone calls, text massages, and so forth that have brought me back from the edge back into the fold where the strength is.

Above all else this would not have been possible without the enabling power of the atonement. I owe everything to my Savior  and The Lord for everything they have given me.

I think I will constantly struggle with my own voices in my head that will try to make me feel not good enough. I could answer all the recommend questions honestly and I know I can walk into the house of The Lord WORTHY. 

Truly another miracle through the power of the savior and my Heavenly father.

Blessed beyond belief.

~blessed child

 

A miracle... On the path

February 26 my life changed. Actually my life has been slowly changing and improving since 2003.
In April of 2003 I hit my knees when I was in a 30 day treatment facility and asked my Heavenly Father to help me get sober and find recovery in my life. I made a promise to him that I would do the things I needed to in order to stay sober and learn to do the right things in my life.
Many years later I am sitting here writing about my life, my spirituality, my love for life, and my relationship with God.
On February 26 I sat down with my significant other and we made a decision to separate and within a week I knew I wanted to end our long relationship. There had been many things that happened over the years to lead to this decision but those things don't really matter now. I knew life had more to offer than how I was feeling. I felt numb, detached, disconnected from the world but this disconnection was not caused from an unhealthy or dysfunctional relationship; it is something much bigger and I have a hard time explaining it. I had been searching for the answer with accomplishments, money, things and friends. From the outside I was successful yet on the inside I felt empty. Not depressed though. On February 26 I had this level of clarity like I had never experienced before. It was very intense! It was not like the heavens parted and I knew what I needed to go... I just had this "intuition" and clarity that it does get better than this. I can do it. I will get there, I will figure it out ONE DAY AT A TIME.
I also knew exactly where I need to go. I called my brother and went over and talked with him and his wife about staying with them. My brother has also been such an AMAZING role model. His wife is awesome, and I adore their children. They graciously said I could live with them. So I moved in. Little did I know...
Today is April 25 I wanted to write about my spiritual journal with the many changes that I have made and I will make in my life.
On April 15 I went back to church for the first time in many many years (since I was 19). Before I went to church I said a very simple prayer to my Heavenly Father to ask him to allow me to feel the spirit if I was supposed to be there and HOLY COW.
The entire time I felt the spirit from the moment I sat down in church through all the meetings.
In the first meeting called sacrament meeting it was a testimony meeting where people can get up and share their experiences and also there love for the Savior or whatever they would like to talk about in relation to the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I was blessed to hear peoples testimonies of church, the Gospel of Jesus Christ and the recent conference.
One testimony stuck out. He talked about not having a ticket to get into conference (he lost it) and how at the very last second he was able to get in. He said he thinks about making the right choices so he can be with his family forever in heaven. He never wants to be outside wishing he had his ticket to get in.
We went to the next class called "Gospel Essentials" and I got to meet with members of the ward, and also meet the missionaries. We learned about King Benjamin from the Book of Mormon. I felt the spirit strongly in the class. My brother introduced me to the missionaries and they asked me if I would be interested in taking the missionary lessons. I agreed so we scheduled lesson 1 for  the following week.
Then I went to the next meeting called Relief Society it is where the women get together and share, and learn more about the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and how to be better daughter and women of Christ. Everyone was very kind and welcoming. My sister in law sat by me and introduced me to the women.
Before Sunday I did not own a dress or a skirt, I was so scared of going back to church because of past experiences and my own fears, and I definitely was VERY scared of sitting in a room full of really righteous women. I was nervous to step inside church fearing I might get struck by lightning. :)
After church I went home and took one of those naps you wish could go on for days.
I went back to church to meet with the Bishop. We talked about my first day being back at church after many many years of not attending. We also touched on some of my struggles and choices I had made over the years. I told him that it was my goal to take it ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Bishop was supportive, kind, educated me, and really made me feel like I belonged. I was surprised how well it went and how uplifted I felt and I could not wait to meet again to get more work done.
The following week I travel out of state to present at a conference and the entire trip I had the spirit with me. I was very excited to return home and go back to church. (A feeling I thought I would never feel)
April 22 I went to church again and sacrament meeting was really good, Gospel Essentials was great but Relief Society was AMAZING. One of the women gave a lesson on hope. I was in tears almost the entire time because the lesson was about life, the atonement of Jesus Christ and Heaven. It gave me HOPE about somethings that happened as a direct result of very early childhood trauma and that God knows the difference. These things kept me away from the Gospel pretty much my whole life. Even though I went to church as a child until I was 18, I never listened. I couldn't! I was touched and moved. Her beautiful lesson gave me the assurance I was in the right place and to finally get the healing I desperately desired. I wanted to stand up in the room and thank everyone, praise Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father and SING.
Again, I met with Bishop and we talked further about my life. He also provided me with more guidance and taught me more. Since I was making major changes in my life and I was like a new convert to the church I had so much to learn.
I am so uplifted , I am so full of peace about going back to church and I want to do whatever it takes.
Bishop gave me homework to read the Addiction Recovery Manual to complete Step 1.
I also met with the missionaries, my brother, and sister in law. They did an great job especially since one of them had only been out for 6 days, They challenged me to read the Book of Mormon and so far I have read the introduction.
What an amazing experience I have had. It is actually miraculous! I NEVER thought I would be here writing this and feeling as happy as I am feeling now. I can only imagine what it will be like if this is just the beginning.

Thoughts about completing the 12 Addiction Recovery Program Steps

True Happiness

            Service is important to me because as I have healed and learned to be honest with myself and others, learned to trust in God, and was finally completely 100% honest with myself, God and confessed of all my sins and past. I was able, truly able, to have a change of heart where my focus was not on self-seeking and temporal things but rather on an eternal view and on the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I had to humble myself and learn about my character weaknesses and the possibility and process of making my weakness into strengths. One of the first steps of being humble was to seek out those people I had harmed in my past and apologize, make my amends, and restitution. Once I had cleaned up my past I started to live my life with daily accountability by maintaining my change of heart through daily self-appraisal and immediate repentance. Also, relying on Heavenly Father to help me with any feeling that took me away from peace.

 I had to learn to counsel with the Lord every day and learned to do the Lords will and all that I do. I had to learn how to be still and receive personal inspiration and revelation from the Holy Ghost. Which I found worked best if I continued to live the commandments, and do the things daily that kept the Spirit near me. Daily scripture study, prayer throughout the day, daily  self- appraisal, turning my will over to God daily, and every night  thanking him for the opportunity to return to the Gospel and being forgiven for the things I have done wrong and my weakness. Also, expressing gratitude for continuing to fortify me and helping me become the woman and daughter of God that he always knew I could be. Through doing all these things I have learned truly how to live the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I will never forget how important the atonement of Jesus Christ is for me and all the children of Heavenly Father.

            I know with all my heart after I have learned and gone through so much and worked so hard to come unto Him that the final and ongoing thing I must do is serve others. God has blessed me with an amazing gift of being able to relate and create trust with almost anyone. I love helping and loving people that have a hard time loving themselves, and especially sharing the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I want to shout from the rooftops come unto Jesus Christ because he truly is the Prince of Peace. The atonement will allow you to love yourself and others again. The Gospel will teach you how to live a life that is truly fulfilling and brings true happiness. I was so sad, so lost, and hopeless. Now I am full of love, hope, and I found myself through the sacrifice and service of others.  For that I am eternally grateful. Because I am so grateful I will continue to serve others as Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father would have me do. I will continue to teach others about the gospel through my example and if needed through my words.

            At the beginning of these steps I had been sober for a while and I was unsure of what would happen as I worked through these steps. Now as I look back I am such a different woman. I am true believer, I have been healed and strengthened through the atonement. I have learned how to study to the scriptures and love and cherish them. I am a worthy member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I have learned how to live life on life’s terms and one day at a time. Most importantly I am close with all my family including my Heavenly Father. Each and every day I look forward to the moments I have on my knees to share with both Jesus and Heavenly Father how my day went, and struggles I might have, and express how grateful for everything.

            When I was young every time I made a wish I made the same wish until I was in my twenties. In my twenties one day I just stopped wishing because I gave up on life and on myself. The wish I wished for all those years “I wish I can be happy”. I no longer need to wish because through this process, the gospel, the atonement, prayers, love, and sacrifice from others, my dedications and obedience to the gospel I can truly say “I am happy”. For that my heart is full of joy and gratitude. Now to continue on in faith and enjoy life ONE DAY AT A TIME.

~Blessed Child